33

Saturday night, a friend says with loving excitement,"Your birthday is in a few days, right!?!.."

I respond nonchalantly,"yeah, thirty-three...no big deal, just another birthday."

An hour later, I go through my bedtime routine. With a mouth full of toothpaste, I hear Him..."I was thirty-three when I went to the cross for you. You are a big deal to me."

In a instant, I am humbled to tears and loved more deeply than I could imagine.

Thirty-three...

Thirty-three...

He was thirty-three when He made our Way...

Thirty-three will never be the same...

"Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out." Song of Songs 1:3

He is the sweetness in the journey for at thirty-three He poured himself out...

And, His Truth resounds to all, 'You are a big deal to the I AM.'

I am a bit of a Masochist...

July is spent by His ocean, the beautiful beaches of North Carolina and Florida (thanks to the generosity of grandparents).

Each day a cycle of pjs to swimsuit to pjs again...

Each day a reminder of who He is as we stand at water's edge...His breadth and length and height and depth...His power-filled love...

I soak my three in fully. I am covered by them day after day like garments of praise. I stand in awe of my God as I caste my cares upon His water...

Simplicity and majesty...

As the lazy days of summer end, the intensity of togetherness makes re-entry all the more painful; a shift in life rhythm ushering in the sadness of change. I have loved the little years.

Yet, an eager anticipation stirs. For sadness and delight are lovers in the crazy heart of a daughter of the King.

For in my sadness, I know where to run, and I delight in the comfort of my Father's lap.

Time itself gives me the blessing of time. He listens to my heart and catches my tears, without ever letting my foot slip into self-pity...

His words wash over me...

His Truth, "These are my children given to you for a time. Remember I made them. I love them. I take care of them."

And, His Amazing grace, "This here and now, the comfort of my Presence, is yours for the taking. I AM yours, and you are mine. The best is yet to come."

My unchanging God amongst the changes whispers, "There is no managing, just faith in the mystery."

His peace is always full of passion for it was His passion that brought us everlasting peace.

Joy is daring to passionately "feel" again with our King. True Treasure that I wouldn't have any other Way.

Beginning to Fill

First days of summer, Blue-eyes sits at the kitchen counter, his legs lazily swing back and forth, words tumbling one after the other, "Mommy, make sure the cheese oozes out the side. Mommy, Mommy, you know I like it gooey. Mommy, Mommy guess what!? guess what!?"

He comes up for air, and I offer the afternoon plans...swim lessons.

Silence threatens...nine months without swimming has left Blue-eyes pregnant with anxiety...those crystal windows to his soul betray him, giving his heart away.

I pause to let the moment settle, sliding his grill cheese in front of him, figuring I will dive into this pool of fear with him after we pray.

Blue-eyes starts into his blessings "rhythm"....

"Dear God, You are good. You are great. Thank you for this food. Thank you for my family. Thank you for dogs..."

Suddenly transparency breaks "rhythm" as true blessings spill over, this beautiful boy humbles himself. His voice quivers; he chokes back tears...

"and, God, Can you please help me today during swim lessons. I am really scared. Can you please take the fear away? Can you help me be brave?"

Blue-eyes moves forward without me on his first wobbly legs of faith. God moves in the moment I give Him as His child shares raw emotion...

Living water beginning to fill...

Last days of summer, sun-kissed cheeks splash in the water. Blue-eyes practices diving, the fluid motion coming together.

I yell, "Good dive, love!" He quickly reprimands, "Say 'great' next time mommy, not 'good.'Say 'great!'"

This passionate boy of mine who knows no half-way with an insatiable desire to fill...

He scales rocks, then dives into the cool water. As he comes up for air, he faces an unexpected wall; Bird's raft square over him, and no breath to be found. My boy hits the raft in panicked attempts. My heart jumps to my throat anticipating a rescue. I pause, but for a moment. Blue-eyes suddenly swims out from under and moves through the water. Living water providing a Way.

That night, dinner comes with a familiar question, "What did God give you today?" Transparency breaks "rhythm" with an unexpected answer, "Calm in the water." True blessings spill over. My boy recognizes the power that quieted his storm.

Living water beginning to fill...

Blue-eyes, What I long for most is that you may know the saving and healing touch of Jesus, and yet there are moments I am tempted to "take you back," to "protect" you from pain, and moments I selfishly long to fill you with me. Always remember you long for great, not just good...

"Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised. His greatness is unsearchable." Psalm 145:3

Wash me Clean...

We are all covered in dirt...

How often we attempt to ignore the filth, turning the dirt to quick sand...

How often we cringe under the stain, curling our toes under in an attempt to cover. Pride turning to paranoia as we stare at self.

But, if we stare at Him, we get smaller...a childlike faith emerges...we come running, "Wash me clean, Abba,"...His mercy abounds as His grace covers it all...

Joy is accepting the wonders of His love, and wonder awaits in the heart of His child.

Beauty in the Gaps

Bird is now a beautiful gap-toothed girl; a wide space forming just below the crinkle in her nose with each rich, broad smile.

Two games birthed from this newfound treasure.

One of getting her to say, "Sister Susie sitting on a thistle" and "Sally sold seashells by the seashore," just to hear the sweet lisp created by absence.

The other, Bird's personal game of discovery, placing her tongue and every other object in the gap to see what might fill the void.

Time and time again this summer, I stare at Bird's beautiful gap, as the eyes of my heart slowly learn more of Magnificence in the gaps.

I have felt the divine push to "love well," to sacrifice more of my ugly self by loving, to serve out of the overwhelming mercy and grace He daily shows me...those who are forgiven much, love much.

As I work to fill in gaps, a questions must be asked, "Do I need their gaps to be filled?"

Am I demanding change by the pride of my own control, bombarding with questions, spelling out truths, and internally screaming with servant actions? or Am I exercising faith in the gaps with a blunt refusal to stop speaking into the divine "silence," as I wait at His feet for His invitation into the gap?

Am I giving time to Time itself to move in His child? or, Am I over-serving that I might see the momentary change I necessitate?

This "need" in me revealing the depths of my own gaps, a search for cooperation when an extension in patience is necessary.

This "need" is more of me, and less of Him...enabling, not empowering.

My enabling seeks cooperation for self, leading to an eventual cycle of fatigue in relationship, yet His empowering bears without "change," anticipating transformation. Enabling is flesh; empowering is Holy influence.

I wrestle in the gaps with those I love most; the controlling arms of fear attempting to strangle faith as I try to bring happiness. Happiness is Holiness, and I have pursued holiness in the gaps so fervently that I have missed Holiness Himself.

I come across this poem,

"The grief you cry out from draws you toward union.

Your pure sadness that wants help is the secret cup.

Listen to the moan of a dog for its master. That whining is the connection.

There are love dogs no one knows the names of.

Give your life to be one of them." the Sufi mystic poet Rumi

Then, the Word draws me to His words, the Syrophoenician Woman's faith...

"But she answered him, 'Yes Lord; yet even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs.' And He said to her, 'For this statement you may go your way...

With this Word, I long more deeply than ever to be His love dog that no one knows the name of, a love dog whining to the Master, drawing the union, waiting for the crumb of Life Bread from the Master's hand...

The Master is good, and He rejoices in my lisp limitations as I whine. The whining bringing the game of discovery, for it is at His feet that I discover if it is truly my crumb or another's to carry...

In His grace, may I be a love dog no one knows the name of...

In His mercy, may I go on my way only after I receive His crumb.

His is the true beauty in the gaps.