Out of Three Stitches

Well, we had our first trip to the urgent care clinic a little over a week ago, and suprisingly, it wasn't with one of the boys....

Our Miss Mae was playing chase with her energetic cohort, Whitt, after bath time, and slipped on a shark costume busting her little chin on the floor.

I scooped her up, grabbed lovie, and drove to the clinic. By the time we arrived, her tears had turned into a slight frown which turned into a small smile when I told her we could watch "Mary Poppins" on the Ipad, and then, the slight smile turned into elation as her daddy walked through the door.

As we waited, enjoying our girl, I thought this is turning into a pretty great evening, a date night with Mae. Our children quite often get "alone" time with both Michael and I separately, but rarely get both parents to themselves...especially for the older two who often get lumped together like twins.

After a pretty pleasant hour and a half as well as a pack to numb Mae's wound, it came time for the three stiches, and I watched my girl's animal instincts kick in full force when she spotted the needle and thread. She literally climbed and scaled her daddy desperately yelling "Please NO!!!" and "I want my mommy to hold me. Take me home!!!"

After five minutes, the nurse gave us the options of either giving her anxiety medicine or bind her arms and body in a sheet. Feeling conflicted, we chose the latter trusting He would provide us with what we needed....along with the nurse's promise that it would only take a few minutes.

They wrapped her and laid her down allowing me to be the one to hold her head still, and in some small way, I felt like I was laying my own Isaac down. I leaned down over her, my eyes hovering directly over hers, and I began to sing her favorite hymns. My mom and I have often lovingly laughed listening to Mae hum along to old hymns like a little old lady in the back of the car, and as she heard those familiar songs, she relaxed with a look of trust and sweet acceptance (even under the strain of my glass-breaking voice).

And, then I felt...Immanuel was not just with us, around us, beside us, but also flowing through us. As I peered into my girl's deep brown eyes and she into mine, our spirits were perfectly aligned with a purity not of our own naturally bent hearts, but a purity only the heart of Christ can bring.

After a few minutes had passed, Mae looked over at the nurse, and I found myself ferociously jealous, just a small glimpse of what His jealousy must be when we take our eyes of Him even if just for a second.

They had finished and unwrapped the cloth around her and as she sat up, I knew He had resurrected and shined truth and life in an area of our relationship, softly taking it to even deeper depths....a place I didn't know was missing...and for once, I didn't feel the need to explore the reasons why in "self-awareness"....a place where my own mind can trap me at times...my heart just accepted His gift in gratitude.

I often think about God's timing...but that night I experienced a new aspect of it...His ability to transform a situation instantly...and, I also know He had that night planned for Michael, Mae, and I long before any of us were born....I went from holding back tears of pain for my girl to feeling tears of joy for the fullness and blessing of the moment and a greater glimpse into Jehovah Rapha ...bearing a new gift of love.

Since that night, she has clung to me a little harder, stopped to linger just a moment longer....always on her terms, with me always loving every minute of it.

So to my girl, my child who is the hardest for me to understand, who quietly and beautifully challenges me, and who I LOVE deeply to my core, I want you to be able to read this later in life when the unfortunate pain of this world has tempted you to close off pieces of your heart and I want you to stop and look at the small scar on your chin remembering the gift we were given out of the pain, the more wholistic view we received of our King, and more importantly remembering His overflowing and pursuing love of YOU......and love, my dear one, with the same courageous open heart you were given that night.

"He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

"He who believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water'." John 7:38

Yes, more on teeth!

"There is one who speaks rashly, like the thrust of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18

I recently heard someone speak on this proverb in reference to anger...saying our outbursts of anger, the words we unleash, are like a bomb that explodes. We move through the bomb, but we leave shrapnel everywhere in those around us.

Well, a bomb exploded this past Tuesday...and, it was in my mouth..

After letting Mae choose when she would complete her homework, she decided to go ahead and work on it as I was fixing dinner while in her purple princess dress and highskills (her adorable word for highheels)....not because she was eager to do it (I feel certain she wanted to continue dress-up), but because she wanted to be able to go to a birthday party the next day after school......which is why after I read her the directions she flung herself to the floor in an Oscar-winning dramatic performance/ meltdown saying "I CANNOT DO IT!! I DON'T KNOW HOW!"...And, then it was my turn to explode...As I turned to put my cooking spoon down and "attempt" to help my girl, I clenched my teeth, trying to keep myself under control, and the explosion literally happened in my mouth...as I clenched, I felt a little shard of my tooth chip off...yes, tooth shrapnel from my explosion of frustration in my mouth....

Go back three weeks, Mae's second day of school...Michael accidently dropped Mae off at the wrong entrance to her building (long story, but she told him to drop her there). That night over dinner he asked her how she found her way to the classroom, she replied with, "when I don't know where I am going, I just sit down until I know which way I need to go." At that moment, my mouth dropped, and as I have often done before with Mae, I thought how profound this little gift of ours can be...without thinking twice, she spoke spiritual truth to each of us at that table...simply and sweetly, the reminder... When we don't know which way to go, we need to sit and wait in Him, praising Him for being the Way, until we hear His path for us.

You see that is why there is a small chip in my tooth...I was trying to do it alone...Mae's "I DON'T KNOW HOW" reflected my own I-don't-know-how of that moment, that reflection frankly made me angry; I just saw my insufficiencies, not my abundunt sufficiencies in Christ... I was leaning on my own cripling capabilites leaving me frustrated...

But, as I prayed later and listened to the Kingdom voice of my Father, I heard, "when I don't know where I am going, I just sit down until I know which way I need to go." Instead of our two frustrated spirits bumping up against one another (Mae's rather loudly; mine bottled up, but just as forceful and wounding), I was to invite Him to be with us using the love language of the One who had already spoken to her in the hallways of school...I was to sit down on the floor next to my Mae, and softly say I hear you, I understand you, I am with you, let's figure out which way to go...

His Kingdom voice is authoritative, an authority that is freeing for us...just as we tell our children not to touch a hot stove, so their finger won't get burnt and they have full use of their hand; our Father asks us to listen to his voice so that we to can reach our utmost, not cripled by our own weaknesses.

And, as we grow in this recognition of His voice, Matthew 11:30 begins to lovingly make sense... "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Life as a Christ-follower will most certainly have suffering, but the understanding of our Father's voice and the power of Jesus' name bring clarity and peace.

So, I rejoice in thanksgiving over the chip in my tooth because although you might not be able to see it I can feel it every time I gently run my toungue across my teeth, and I am reminded of the Giver of Life who transforms my gaps making me whole, my desperate need of childlike faith, my need for learning, understanding, and trusting my Father's voice, and the loving authority of the One who made me for His glory....the beautiful art and privilege of losing myself for His praise.

And, I know this picture has nothing to do with this story, but man, those kids are cute!

Of teeth and timing...

God's timing so often blows (albeit sometimes in an annoyed, selfish, praying for peace kind of way) my mind, and it is usually one of the ways that I feel most loved and safe in Him...

I have tried to wrap my brain around the thought that He in His omniscience knew from the beginning of time exactly what we need and when....intentionally and intricately weaving lives together over minutes, days, years, decades, ,centuries....all our stories to be part of His story...Our God who references the importance of intentionality so often in His Word...Our God who says, "Where there is no vision; people will perish" Proverbs 29:18....How could we doubt the intricacy of His plans, His vision....His timing reveals the depth of that intricacy. It reflects that He, as our Creator, intimately knows both the desire of our hearts and our true needs far better than we do.

One of the beauties of His timing is the range of emotions we experience, both the hurt and the healing. He gives us these emotions, allows and wants us to experience them; and more than anything, He wants us to bring these emotions to Him... It is often the beautiful ache of the wait where we meet Him. It is in that wait where you find that what you might have been clinging to so tightly is nothing compared to the healing He brings and the fullness of Him...It is often in the wait that the desire of our hearts and our true needs align in perfect peace, and we discover we are blessed...blessed with more than we could have imagined for ourselves.

And, He knew exactly what our Mae needed on August 25, 2011. It was time for her first tooth to fall out. At first mention, one would think, "Oh, fun, very exciting! I bet she looks super cute!" But, when you look deeper into the weave, you see the marvel of the pattern...

About six weeks ago, Mae came home from a little summer camp saying her tooth was loose. I would check it, and it wouldn't budge. Different teeth would be "loose," and yet, none of them were budging. A few weeks later, she told a very discerning GaGa that a little girl had told her that you become a "big" girl when you lose a tooth. A mark was made on our little girls' heart, a hurt, a hurt that caused her to cling to a view of herself and maturity through a skewed lens. We talked about how that made her feel and what really makes a "big" girl, actions and choices. The choice of using ecouraging words to build up one another, the actions of being a loving and serving big sister, friend, and neighbor, then we talked about God's timing, how he knew her perfectly and already knew the perfect time for her first tooth to fall out. We later prayed that she would see herself through the clear lense of Truth.

Yes, Mae was hurt, and Our God gave us an opportunity to speak spiritual truths to her. He was concerned with growing her heart as well as her teeth, and after He tended the garden of her heart, He knew it was the perfect time for her to lose not one, but two teeth, two days in a row, to a very captive audience at school!

His timing is the beautiful pursuing love for which our hearts long...He pursued and continues to pursue my girl! May He give me the strength and courage to remember to turn her over to His love despite the hurts.

Fine Feathered Friends

Michael and I just got back from a wedding in St. Johns and very thankfully we were able to have a few extra days just the two of us after the wedding weekend. As we were sitting enjoying one of the seven (yes, I said seven) beautiful beaches on the property where we stayed, I noticed a giant pelican soaring through the clear blue sky about fifty feet overhead. He suddenly tucked his wings, securing them as close to his body as possible, forming a perfect bullet shape, then took a very determined, deliberate, and poised nose dive directly into the water below. He never hesistated, not for an instance. He seemed to never think of the sting the initial impact of the concrete-like ocean surface would bring; he was just focused on the plentiful provision and unending bounty that lay underneath. He did it over and over again in a beautiful display of grace, agility, and stewardship.

Then I noticed the petrel...this little bird would very astutely follow the pelican in its different patterns through the sky, but when it came time to crash into the vast ocean below, the petrel would start the nosedive with eager anticipation and intensity, then would start slowing itself down as the wall of water became closer. With the repitition and guidance of the pelican, it would get closer and closer to the surface, yet inevitably would swerve at the last minute, never crashing through to the ocean below, just softly landing on the surface, and every time the patient and persistent pelican would emerge from underneath with his provision of fish and would feed the petrel, sustaining it.

As we watched their relationship continue the following day, Michael said, "what a lazy bum!" I immediately retaliated defensively with selfish sympathy for the petrel saying, "The petral is not lazy, but trapped by fear. He wants to do everything the pelican is doing!! He just can't."

I say selfish sympathy because at times I can be just like the little petral, so wanting to follow the path of our patient, grace-filled, persistent savior to the vast, overflowing heart of our God, so needing and wanting to breakthrough to the place full of love, joy, and peace....these gifts in unending forms...a place of abundance and bountiful provision....and, then the fear of suffering, sorrow, or pain (my brokeness) creeps in just like the sting of crashing into the ocean surface...I begin to look to my own insufficient capability, forgetting that I am under my companion's, my savior's wings where all things are possible... where I have all I need and more...

But, even when I let fear overtake me and I swerve from where He is leading in an attempt at "self-preservation," He is still there, waiting mercifully for me, ready to fill me up with a portion from that source of unending love, despite my failure, then patiently showing me the way again...

This world we live in can be a hard world, full of unexplainable suffering, sorrow, pain, and heartache....just like the surface of the ocean in the middle of a wild storm where waves are crashing all around you, where you see no way out and you can't hear your own voice, only darkness and noise seem to surround, but when you go deep enough beneath the surface, the crashing turns into a side to side rocking motion and the loud noise takes on soft, muffled echoing sound....the pain and suffering is still present, but when we plunge deeply into the one true source of perfect love, a sense of transforming peace can come with it.....and, we see the blessings surround us and these blessings abound as we pass these portions on...loving with wild abandonment, bravely...the way He loves us

"He has covered me with his feathers, and under his wings I do trust." Psalm 91:4

"Therefore I begin to think, my Lord, you purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed. Perhaps that is the very reason why we are here in this world, where sin and sorrow and suffering and evil abound, so that we may let you teach us so to react to them, that out of them we can create lovely qualities to live forever. That is the only really satifactory way of dealing with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever possible binding it with good. " Hannah Hurnard, Hinds' Feet on High Places

Maeisms

Just a few quotes from Mae over the past couple of weeks:

*Upon me looking down at the purple ribbon stolen from her favorite doll which was then wrapped around her ankle so tighthly that her foot was also taking on a purplish hue, she says, "This is my anklet! Don't you like it!?!"

*While in Florida, a little discussion took place between Shea and Mae about Christie, Shea's mom....

Shea: "My mom doesn't eat breakfast. She just drinks coffee."

Mae: In her most disapproving voice and shaking her head, "That's just WRONG!"

Hey, breakfast is the most important meal of the day!

*Last week, I was reading a book to the kiddos when we were transported to England when Mae said to Whitt, "I received this very book on my birthday last year."

*The grand finale is her quote as I gave Michael a goodbye kiss, "Why do the two of you always chew each others' faces off!?!"

*Oh, and not to be outdone by his sister, Whitt informed us in his most exasperated tone as he kept trying to stack a wall of blocks to the ceiling that, "there is a little man living in the box at the top that keeps shaking and knocking them down!"

Just had to share!

Sand fleas

Last week, we were in North Carolina at my in-laws beach house, Whaleyboo. I have really grown to love this spot.... it is the house, the deck, then exactly thirty-eight beautifully character-aged wood steps down to the sprawling beach and vast Atlantic Ocean, that is wonderfully it.......

As we were flying out there, I found myself brainstorming different activities and games we could do to keep our little ones energy focused in positive ways, thinking about the right balance of free play vs. entertainment, structure vs. use of imagination...

Then, we landed, hit the grocery for the week, went to the beach, and bascially stayed there for the next seven days...

The first morning as I looked out over the ocean and horizon, feeling that awesome sensation of your feet being more and more firmly planted in the sand as the tide goes in and out, that soft, sweet rhythm of the waves splashing over them acting like nature's own personal foot massage, I looked down for a moment and saw what looked at first glimpse like a school of fish swimming out each time the tide drifted out. My interest peeked, I realized upon closer inspection that it looked a little more like a swarm of large bugs popping out of the sand and swimming.

Moment OVER! I have always considered myself fairly outdoorsy, but these little boogers grossed me out. As I turned around in disgust, I watched in horror as my man scooped up a large handful of wet sand, walked up the beach, dumped it on the drier sand, and eight little critters came racing out scurrying back to the wet sand to bury themselves. Now, I am sure you are saying to yourself, "So what!?! It sounds like just a crab." But these little things were more like a cross between the largest bug you have ever seen and a crab which is why they are affectionately known as sand fleas...perfect name, perfect description, and as far as I was concerned, YUCK!.....

But, as the days passed, my affection for these little nothings grew and they amazingly turned into somethings. I watched as my little "bugs" delighted in these little fleas. It was the beach's own built-in toy chest. Bruce who affectionately called them "animals" would request to see and hold one over and over. Mae and Whitt would collect them in water buckets, and we would have sand flea races seeing whose could make it to the wet sand and bury themselves the fastest as we yelled and screamed cheering them on. By the end of the week, I found myself walking up the beach collecting giant handfuls of sand searching for the little guys....

And, that is where I found the sand fleas' beauty. God reveals himself through His Word and His Creation. He is whispering and screaming out to us in all directions, but in this McSupersize me world of instant gratification, we get so busy, so focused, so determined, so analytical we at times miss His beauty. My mind was so busy, so focused, so determined, analyzing how I could create the perfect family vacation, and all we really needed was God, us, and His offerings. Our God who can be so complicated in His extravagant redeeming love for us, His jealousy for us, His wrath, His judgement, His realtional being, His plans, His purposes, His holiness, His mercy, His sweet restoring grace that our brains can't possibly understand the fullness of Him can also be so beautifully simple as he calls us to slow down, to really feel His love, bask in it, His joy, the joy that is peace smiling....even using a sand flea.....

And, it is in these truths of the heart, where my brain and my flesh rest with my heart, that I know to my core without a shadow of doubt that He is the Truth, His ways are the only Way, He is the Great I am, lover of my soul....

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46: 10

She wore an.....

itsy, bitsy...teeny, weeny....yellow polka-dot ZUCCHINI!!??!!

A conversation between Mae, Whitt, and I at the beach...

Whitt: "I really like your tazakanini!!"

Mae, in her most patronizing "you are only a four year old and I am a five year old" voice: "Whitt!! It is not a tazakanini! It is a zakanini!"

Mae pondering for a few moments, but trying to hide the uncertainty. Then, you see the light bulb ding in her head.

Mae: "No, it is a zucchini. Mommy, we really love your zucchini!"