I am a bit of a Masochist...

July is spent by His ocean, the beautiful beaches of North Carolina and Florida (thanks to the generosity of grandparents).

Each day a cycle of pjs to swimsuit to pjs again...

Each day a reminder of who He is as we stand at water's edge...His breadth and length and height and depth...His power-filled love...

I soak my three in fully. I am covered by them day after day like garments of praise. I stand in awe of my God as I caste my cares upon His water...

Simplicity and majesty...

As the lazy days of summer end, the intensity of togetherness makes re-entry all the more painful; a shift in life rhythm ushering in the sadness of change. I have loved the little years.

Yet, an eager anticipation stirs. For sadness and delight are lovers in the crazy heart of a daughter of the King.

For in my sadness, I know where to run, and I delight in the comfort of my Father's lap.

Time itself gives me the blessing of time. He listens to my heart and catches my tears, without ever letting my foot slip into self-pity...

His words wash over me...

His Truth, "These are my children given to you for a time. Remember I made them. I love them. I take care of them."

And, His Amazing grace, "This here and now, the comfort of my Presence, is yours for the taking. I AM yours, and you are mine. The best is yet to come."

My unchanging God amongst the changes whispers, "There is no managing, just faith in the mystery."

His peace is always full of passion for it was His passion that brought us everlasting peace.

Joy is daring to passionately "feel" again with our King. True Treasure that I wouldn't have any other Way.

Beginning to Fill

First days of summer, Blue-eyes sits at the kitchen counter, his legs lazily swing back and forth, words tumbling one after the other, "Mommy, make sure the cheese oozes out the side. Mommy, Mommy, you know I like it gooey. Mommy, Mommy guess what!? guess what!?"

He comes up for air, and I offer the afternoon plans...swim lessons.

Silence threatens...nine months without swimming has left Blue-eyes pregnant with anxiety...those crystal windows to his soul betray him, giving his heart away.

I pause to let the moment settle, sliding his grill cheese in front of him, figuring I will dive into this pool of fear with him after we pray.

Blue-eyes starts into his blessings "rhythm"....

"Dear God, You are good. You are great. Thank you for this food. Thank you for my family. Thank you for dogs..."

Suddenly transparency breaks "rhythm" as true blessings spill over, this beautiful boy humbles himself. His voice quivers; he chokes back tears...

"and, God, Can you please help me today during swim lessons. I am really scared. Can you please take the fear away? Can you help me be brave?"

Blue-eyes moves forward without me on his first wobbly legs of faith. God moves in the moment I give Him as His child shares raw emotion...

Living water beginning to fill...

Last days of summer, sun-kissed cheeks splash in the water. Blue-eyes practices diving, the fluid motion coming together.

I yell, "Good dive, love!" He quickly reprimands, "Say 'great' next time mommy, not 'good.'Say 'great!'"

This passionate boy of mine who knows no half-way with an insatiable desire to fill...

He scales rocks, then dives into the cool water. As he comes up for air, he faces an unexpected wall; Bird's raft square over him, and no breath to be found. My boy hits the raft in panicked attempts. My heart jumps to my throat anticipating a rescue. I pause, but for a moment. Blue-eyes suddenly swims out from under and moves through the water. Living water providing a Way.

That night, dinner comes with a familiar question, "What did God give you today?" Transparency breaks "rhythm" with an unexpected answer, "Calm in the water." True blessings spill over. My boy recognizes the power that quieted his storm.

Living water beginning to fill...

Blue-eyes, What I long for most is that you may know the saving and healing touch of Jesus, and yet there are moments I am tempted to "take you back," to "protect" you from pain, and moments I selfishly long to fill you with me. Always remember you long for great, not just good...

"Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised. His greatness is unsearchable." Psalm 145:3

Wash me Clean...

We are all covered in dirt...

How often we attempt to ignore the filth, turning the dirt to quick sand...

How often we cringe under the stain, curling our toes under in an attempt to cover. Pride turning to paranoia as we stare at self.

But, if we stare at Him, we get smaller...a childlike faith emerges...we come running, "Wash me clean, Abba,"...His mercy abounds as His grace covers it all...

Joy is accepting the wonders of His love, and wonder awaits in the heart of His child.

Beauty in the Gaps

Bird is now a beautiful gap-toothed girl; a wide space forming just below the crinkle in her nose with each rich, broad smile.

Two games birthed from this newfound treasure.

One of getting her to say, "Sister Susie sitting on a thistle" and "Sally sold seashells by the seashore," just to hear the sweet lisp created by absence.

The other, Bird's personal game of discovery, placing her tongue and every other object in the gap to see what might fill the void.

Time and time again this summer, I stare at Bird's beautiful gap, as the eyes of my heart slowly learn more of Magnificence in the gaps.

I have felt the divine push to "love well," to sacrifice more of my ugly self by loving, to serve out of the overwhelming mercy and grace He daily shows me...those who are forgiven much, love much.

As I work to fill in gaps, a questions must be asked, "Do I need their gaps to be filled?"

Am I demanding change by the pride of my own control, bombarding with questions, spelling out truths, and internally screaming with servant actions? or Am I exercising faith in the gaps with a blunt refusal to stop speaking into the divine "silence," as I wait at His feet for His invitation into the gap?

Am I giving time to Time itself to move in His child? or, Am I over-serving that I might see the momentary change I necessitate?

This "need" in me revealing the depths of my own gaps, a search for cooperation when an extension in patience is necessary.

This "need" is more of me, and less of Him...enabling, not empowering.

My enabling seeks cooperation for self, leading to an eventual cycle of fatigue in relationship, yet His empowering bears without "change," anticipating transformation. Enabling is flesh; empowering is Holy influence.

I wrestle in the gaps with those I love most; the controlling arms of fear attempting to strangle faith as I try to bring happiness. Happiness is Holiness, and I have pursued holiness in the gaps so fervently that I have missed Holiness Himself.

I come across this poem,

"The grief you cry out from draws you toward union.

Your pure sadness that wants help is the secret cup.

Listen to the moan of a dog for its master. That whining is the connection.

There are love dogs no one knows the names of.

Give your life to be one of them." the Sufi mystic poet Rumi

Then, the Word draws me to His words, the Syrophoenician Woman's faith...

"But she answered him, 'Yes Lord; yet even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs.' And He said to her, 'For this statement you may go your way...

With this Word, I long more deeply than ever to be His love dog that no one knows the name of, a love dog whining to the Master, drawing the union, waiting for the crumb of Life Bread from the Master's hand...

The Master is good, and He rejoices in my lisp limitations as I whine. The whining bringing the game of discovery, for it is at His feet that I discover if it is truly my crumb or another's to carry...

In His grace, may I be a love dog no one knows the name of...

In His mercy, may I go on my way only after I receive His crumb.

His is the true beauty in the gaps.

A Cherry-picked spoon full of sugar

The beach wind blows; Red curls sways in the breeze as cherry drips from lips to sand...the stain of red forming a clown smile on this boy of ours.

This boy of ours, turning three...this boy who makes time stand still...this boy who was cherry-picked just for us for a time by the One who is time.

"In His love, He will rest in silent satisfaction."

We all make time stand still when we accept the love of the One who is both Alpha and Omega; I have accepted His love with this boy blessing who cannot be rushed.

I simply, I fully delight in this boy of ours...

A day later, we sit in the airport as Bird squawks over earphones. She marches over to Red curls and Blue-eyes demanding an exchange. "Mary Poppins" and her bag captivating them. Without hesitation, Red curls gallantly hands over his earphones as if they were keys to the Kingdom...this boy who is not easily won over...and, yet when he loves, he gives everything to honor another with fierce loyalty.

As the three settle into the singing bliss of "a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down," Red curls quietly looks at his prize possessions of brother and sister wrapping his arms around, pulling them closer.

The old familiar lump forms in my throat...the hard pill to swallow... the pill of this boy very possibly being our last...and yet, he is the sugar that makes that medicine go down.

I simply, I fully delight in this boy of ours...

Red curls, you are a cherry-picked spoon full of sugar, made by and for Him. We have delighted in you since the day of your birth; He has delighted in you since the beginning of time.

We couldn't love you more, but He does.

Happy 3rd Birthday, beautiful boy!

The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a mighty One, a Savior. He will take great delight in you. In His love, He will rest in silent satisfaction. He will rejoice over you with joyful singing.Zephaniah 3:17

Let Freedom Ring

"A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out, till He leads justice to Victory." Matthew 12:20

Thick, hot summer air...red, ripe watermelon dripping down tender faces...tiny dancers running through firetruck waterworks...laughter and firecrackers lighting the air...

Banners of red, white, and blue...

Independence Day...

Let freedom ring...

But, from where does true freedom ring?

Independence (by definition) is when someone or something is free from the influence or control of another.

But if you are independent of someone or something, are you still not under the control of oneself?...

As Keller writes,"perhaps the most damaging statements that have ever been said about us are those things we have said about ourselves. Most have a never-ending loop of self-talk that berates them for being foolish, stupid, a failure, a loser."

Self can be a most viscious, fear-filled taskmaster, a place of distorted perception lacking Truth.

True freedom is always rooted in dependence. In total surrender to the One who gracefully waves His Banner of Love over us as He mercifully teaches us to glance at self and stare at Him.

Total surrender to the One who says, 'Come as you are, broken, messy, and bruised. Just come to me'...

Independence destroys intimacy, and transparency generates humility.

The opposite of self-anxiety is humility, and His humility paves the Way to our freedom.

Humility allows the One to shine His Light into our self-deprecating inner monologue replacing it with His Truth, 'You are redeemed, accepted, cherished, gifted, blessed beyond measure.'

"Spiritual maturity is more like returning to the embrace of the Father you have been missing than growing out of need for your father's presence and touch. Our posture toward God the Father is to be that of Christ in us: increasingly, simply, and humbly seeking to embrace him for all of who he is and to allow his heart to reform our hearts with his love." Richard R. Dunn

When true freedom rings, you no longer want to be an independent, just a slave to Christ...a steward of His grace-blessings...

When true freedom rings, you can no longer play it "safe" with your heart, but long to live dangerously...to love as He loves...

"Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion," said Lucy.

"That you will dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without his knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."

"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."C.S. Lewis, The Lion, The Witch, and the Wadrobe

This world is indeed a reckless world full of unimaginable pain and suffering, and yet when we stay in the seemingly "safe" confines of self, we find a reckless end.

True freedom is living dangerously for Him that we might see more of His unimaginable mercy, grace, and glory...

For He is not safe, but He is good and He has come to set the captives free...

Every day an offering to Him, to love as He loves

May He give me the faith-filled courage...

Let Freedom Ring...

The Other Spouse

"The kiss of daily, present communion, is that which we pant after to be repeated day after day...O lover of our souls, be not strange to us; let the lips of Thy blessing meet the lips of our asking; let the lips of Thy fullness touch the lips of our need, and straightway the kiss will be effected." Spurgeon

Father's Day morning, I awake to a mop of Red curls tickling my nose as tiny toes brush softly against his father's chest.

True to her early bird-nature, our Bird's brown eyes peer through tussled hair as she chirps from her roll-away bed perch.

Blue-eyes, our warrior boy, emerges from his closet cave in need of some wrestling.

I breathe in these three in a hotel room in Virginia, as I look to my "I do" man. In them, I cannot see where I begin and he ends; they are one flesh pointing to the Heavens displaying the divine mystery of us.

Each beautiful child giving me a larger picture of the man I love.

This man who began our story by choosing me has always understood that he married a woman with an untamed heart who longs to love hard and more often than not falls short; he has left space for the Lover of my soul, the other spouse...the Bridegroom.

And yet, my greatest lasting joys on this earth reside in the moments of refining relationship with this man as we love each other in His grace, with His Truth, and by His sacrifice, as we painfully lose more of ourself to gain more of Him...the mystery of one flesh...one flesh where I no longer see where I begin and he ends just more of our Father.

A marriage of three...this place where Red curls, Blue-eyes, and Bird get their first glimpses of worship within the body of Christ...our family...broken and messy in us; a divine mystery in Him.