In His Shadow

Red curls studies the black amorphous voids as he moves through his days, his fascination building....these shadows that follow us.....over and over the question, "What is a shadow?" Explanations come both scientific and artistic.....each one echoing back hollow....none satisfying his growing intensity for more....

Blue-eyes sits on the brick wall, a babbling of words, sharing his heart in the undertones, the explained in the unexplained of being. I see his self-inked "tattoo." I pray our King's cross is tattooed on his heart, not just his flesh; Red curls emerges in the shadow again asking....and suddenly, the Light became clear to the void....

How often the open spirits of children are used as a megaphone shouting His brilliance....this explained in the unexplained of being; humility training our ears to listen....

Red curls, this one who cannot be rushed....Red curls, this one who instinctively wrestles in order to understand....yes, Red curls needs an answer to shadow....my Teacher calls to me, 'let me show you'...Like a giddy schoolgirl, I race to the written-Truth asking the Ancient of Days to define shadow as He created it to be...

"And I have put my words in your mouth and covered you in the SHADOW of my hand, establishing the heavens and laying the foundations of the earth, and saying to Zion,'You are my people.'" Isaiah 51:16

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will ABIDE in the SHADOW of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1

"Keep me as the apple of your eye; Hide me in the SHADOW of your wings." Psalm 17:8

tsalal (hebrew): shadow, protection, shelter

Abiding in the Shadow....we live in the protective shadow of the cross...God's light, His holiness is so bright we cannot come face to face, "you cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live"....His presence must shine through the Way casting a beautiful protective shadow around us....

We are His people...we are the apple of His eye...the haunting, misshapen, changing shadows of this world, the what-if's, if only's, the shame, the guilt, the despair may threaten, but they cannot overtake us....His was the victory, and we rest in the shelter of His unchanging shadow....

tsalal: shadow, protection, shelter

tsalal rooted in tselem (hebrew): hovering over

When the Ancient of Days was establishing the Heavens, the Spirit hovered over the waters....this same Spirit hovers over our hearts keeping us in the rest of our Mighty Mediator's shadow surrounded by the glory of our God....

Spurgeon wrote, "The Holy Spirit consoles, but Jesus is the consolation. The Holy Spirit is the comforter, but Jesus is the comfort." The only Way to Life is living in the Truth-filled shadow of our Light's cross. Let us make Him the apple of our eyes through humilty and trust.

This is the Shadow, Red curls. Mercy and Grace fully lived; Bask in its glory. Remember where you stand. Love His Shadow

His Nest is Best

"Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise!" Psalm 84

With curiosity I have watched her, this brown-breasted one....her frenzied, sporadic flights back and forth....her anxious toil building her nest....this robin making her home with us; from a distance, I notice him...his steady, patient gaze never moving from her....this strong one claiming his mate...he soaring with grace; she in a frenzy of works...

He comes to her, taking the burden of her nest, urging her out....her wings broaden; emboldened she flies out further into the world....over and over again, he swoops in despite her squawking, urging her forward.....her short, arduous flights transform into the freedom of soaring...

Now she serenely sits upon three blue gems waiting for them to hatch....her eyes fixed on the surety of the horizon, faithfully looking to him for guidance as he guards their nest...

Ten years ago....you were twenty-three, wiser than you knew, true, authentic....I was twenty-two; a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, I had not yet given up my childish ways of loving....my wing span maddeningly short...

You watched the brevity of my love flights....you understood the stifling limitations of my "self" nest....the flimsy straw of control packed with the muddiness of who I thought I was, who I thought I should be...the drudgery of loving with expectation....gracefully you flew to me....

You gave of yourself to marry a child...You came into my noise, the endless flapping of my needs....you shifted my view from my nest to the endless horizon of His mercy and grace....you showed me the love of Christ, re-building our nest on the sure foundation of His sacrificial love....and, now I sit peacefully on this nest of ours, trusting your guidance....

On your thirty-third birthday, you should know that WHEREVER you soar this sparrow will find a nest to lay her young

Walkers of the Way

The smoky moutains......Bird and Blue-eyes giggle along with the stream as rocks dance across the water....a mass of Red-curls bounces upon his father's shoulders......tree roots play hop-scotch with one another along the path as rhodudendrum dip down in homage...thanksgiving pours forth naturally, easily....all parts of my flesh, all directions-north, south, east, west, point to Him....there is ease in this path...ease in the praise...

Further down, the path makes a sharp unexpected turn....a small abandoned schoolhouse and graveyard....the brood bounds ahead; my man-artist snaps photos capturing images of His Father's world...I walk amongst the dead....my heart carries the weight of life cut short....there in a line of four....the Walkers....J.H. and Mary's lost brood...

Infant Walker, August 11, 1912....their firstfruits plucked before even budding...

Roy Thomas, January 19, 1919-July 3, 1919....

Edith, September 10, 1920-July 4, 1925....

Irene, November 19, 1922-June 30, 1925...this one with a dove soaring over her name....this dove...this Spirit...this promise of Counsel and Comfort....

But, where could He be in this?

I have no words....What can you say to a mother who has watched the flesh of her flesh slip from her arms four times....no words...

this woman who has endured the labor pains of birthing life and the labor pains of watching it ebb away....no words....

this mother mourning one life while bravely carrying another in her womb.....no words...

this mother who buries one baby girl while fighting in futility to save another....no words...

this mother who watches soul sisters reunited just a week apart, leaving her behind...no words....

My three dance around the school house in a cacophony of laughter, imagingation, enthusiasm, energy....life...health....I dare not even speak it for in this season my life is the path of ease, but the ugliness of it passes through my heart....I must give it to Him for fear of separation from Him, this cost of leaning on my own understanding...I must give it to the Life who knows my ugliness deep inside yet still loves....I whisper it...How is this fair, Lord?....I have no words....

I enter the dark muskiness of the school house, but it is my heart that feels dark...it is my heart that is wrestling to see the Light....my body slumps into a bench, and my loving Teacher begins His lesson....as He lifts my eyes, I see light pour through a window shining on the edge of a teacher's desk...this light illuminating the Light....the Truth barely visible on the desk, "God loves you." J.H. Walker 10-5-1947.....

"God loves you"....this couple from long ago....this couple who lost much ministering from the grave to a woman who has seemingly lost so little...urging a woman of little faith through their great faith in the Word, stirring her soul....my community in Him from the past pointing me back to my future, my Hope...this is the God I love....the God who turns this world upside down...who turns sackcloth to singing....this is the redeeming power of the cross....

For the Sarahs who watched their Isaacs leave for worship with no other sacrifice, for the Rachels whose Josephs were led away to bloom elsewhere, for the Hannahs who gave their young Samuels to the service of the Lord, for the Elizabeths who watched their Johns prepare the way, for the Mary Walkers.... I will honor you in the moments when there seem to be no words, when the uphill climb of motherhood seems to overtake me, when the weight of "responsibilities" and "decisions" seem to be crushing me, when my chest tightens under the suffocation of circumstances....I will take a breathe allowing my heart to beat the Truth, "God loves you"....

I will honor you by celebrating the Life in life....

By celebrating the life given to me five years ago today....the Walkers bringing me deeper gratitude of my own Walker....my Walker Whittington Stockburger....the vibrant life of my soul-searching Blue-eyes...this boy who lives his life boldly, giving each moment his all...our unexpected good and perfect gift....this boy who daily reminds me that I want none of my decisions, but only His.

Happy 5th Birthday, my beautiful Blue-eyes!! Remember to let all the "I"s and "decisions" fall away, my love, and breathe in deeply "God loves you!"

"For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it,"" Isaiah 30: 19-21

The Dare

"When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our toungue with shouts of joy.... Restore our fortunes, O Lord. like streams in the Negeb! Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him." Psalm 126

I feel the heat rise in my cheeks, the burning sensation in a failed attempt to hold back tears... the refreshing sting as the floodgates open....a place where fire and water meet drawing beauty from one another...tears of joy....a moment when pain and blessing naturally flow from the same fount....when the self-protecting walls in our heart of stone are destroyed and His Beauty, the purity of His love, emerges from its ashes...the sanctification of loving bodly, moving towards another counting it all as loss to honor our King...

This is the Dare...to love as He loves

the fiery pain of it searing our flesh as the living water flows into our heart....the severing of our thick heart callouses and the forging of iron sharpening iron soul ties...did isaiah not feel the sweet comingling of pain and joy when the seraph touched the live coal to his lips...yes, there is freedom in the relinquishing of our "rights" as we love in the Way, as we love by His power...

This is the Dare...

His Way is the only way to really love...it is our sanctification, our metamorphosis, as we reach Him by reaching out to the so-called "unlovable"...and, isn't it in the reach we often discover that we indeed are the true "unlovable" in desperate need of His Life-giving grace....this reach that uncovers our treasure, richer communion with Him, through the deepening of earthly relationships...

This is the Dare...

I watch as soul-seaching blue-eyes walks towards me, tears brimming, choked words spilling out....his stuffed tiger maimed by the dog...I listen to Bird softly sing comforting Truth to him, "You can still love it, Whitt. It won't look the same or be the same, but you can still love it. Mommy, will sew it back together with blue thread, your favorite color. You will love it even more."

this world is messy, this world chews-up and spits back out over and over again, and in the midst He gives us grace blessings, the privilege to show His Scarlet thread through kindness and humility while watching Him knit souls back together....yes, we can still love for His was the Victory

This is the Dare...

I sit in a room listening to dear friends, these women who wave His love-banner over me, these women who dare....there is grief, there is suffering, there are tears, and amongst it, there is the overwhelming resonance of laughter, the different notes rooted in holy joy all coming together to create the sweet symphony of fellowship all for the Father's glory...the laughter, this is what I remember; all else falls away...this is the redeeming power of the cross...His work...Jesus...

This is the Dare...

Let us dare to live fully in relationship, resisting the numbness. Let us receive our grace blessings through the shower of our tears, accepting the momentary pain for more knowledge and insight in the depth of His love.....the tears washing away the stoney self, leaving a reflective pool for His light to shine forth creating a rainbow of laughter arching over the weight of this world....our Hope in Him

"I will cause the shower to come down in his season; there shall be showers of blessings." Ezekial 34:26

Praise His Name! Here comes the flood...

Praise Him by loving and count all else as loss...

Flying in His Dreams

"C.S. Lewis's mind was above all characterized by a willingness to be enchanted, and it was this openess to enchantment that held together the various strands of his life-his delight in laughter, his willingness to accept a world made by a good and loving God, and (in some ways above all) his willingness to submit to the charms of a wonderful story." Alan Jacobs, author of The Narnian


Mae had an assignment to draw four ways God demonstrates His love for her. Her four boxes contained pictures of me, baby Jesus, flowers, and then very uniquely a picture of herself "daydreaming." Six years ago, on a saturday just like today with flakes of snow, Mae entered this world, and her journey of daydreaming began. As she was whisked from my arms, He was whispering to her heart, shielding her and holding her dreams in the midst of a noisy, chaotic, and fear-filled entrance. He was blessing her through His story for her, thankfully not granting mine which was far to limited for this girl of ours. He alone knows the complete uniqueness of her heart, soul, and mind for He fashioned them; I, as her mother, am allowed the privilege to walk alongside her, watching her discover who He made her to be, instilling the Truth in her life, pointing out the details of the Master's loving hand in His story for her as it unfolds while fighting the temptation to keep her on my "protected" plan.

My dear girl, I have watched Him grow your mind over the past year as you have learned to read with an increased love of science, learning, and passion for seeking knowledge. I love watching these skills emerge and expand as well as His gifts of your soul, this quiet surety budding into a sense of His righteousenss and a call for justice.

Remember, my love, that we seek knowledge to love more like Him, not for our pride; we seek knowledge in humility of the Great I Am for the sweetness of our journey and full glorification of His gifts in us.

Always remember He loves you in the "flowers." Use your mind to explore the intricacies, the order, the marvel of His creation. Use your heart to see the stories He longs to tell you of Himself through nature. Eagerly accept the privilege given by Him to cultivate His earth with respect and honor. Wrestle with the hard questions about this world using your soul to understand His authority on deeper levels, resting in the knowledge that this is your Father's world.

Always remember His gift of family, the body of Christ, our true family. Using your mind to see the diversity necessary to truly reflect our God, your soul to challenge the unjust walls of this world, and your heart to laugh even in the midst of tears, for laughter is love bubbling over, laughter is a stepping stone to unity.

Always remember the power of the blood of Christ. He made himself completely vulnerable to wash you whiter than the snow on the day of your birth, so when the wounds of this world tempt you to close off parts of your heart, use your mind to seek the Truth in His Word, your soul to recognize that you are made in the image of the Most High, a daughter of the King, and your heart to receive the oil of gladness, this love the Spirit longs to pour over you. This wellspring of the heart, that never runs dry, is the one true source of love.

Remember you must first RECEIVE, then you STRIVE out of gratitude found in His mercy; you never strive, then receive. There is NO EARNING; it is ALL HIS GRACE.

Above all, continue to daydream, my love.......continually daydream of eternity until you reach it....for He has made your heart, soul, and mind to long for these things....may your imagination stand firm in Him, not to be derailed by earthly understandings.....fully submit to His story for you with wonder allowing your life to sparkle with His holy joy smiling at the future before you.

"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future." Proverbs 31:25

Happy Sixth Birthday, Bird! Much flying He has for you...

The TURN

Michael and I strolled along basking in the sun cutting through the winter chill, that moment where the gust of wind brushes your cheeks giving you the taste, feel, and smell of winter while the sunshine provides just enough warmth to keep you outdoors, these opposites that usher in the wonder of nature awakening the fullness to the senses. As we walked, we watched as Bird and Blue-eyes bounded ahead, laughter tumbling over excitement, on a hunt for pinecones while we listened to the steady plodding of Red behind us deeply proclaiming, "BIG, BROWN TRUCK! BIG BROWN TRUCK! BIG BROWN TRUCK!" I watched a slight grin form on the corner of Michael's mouth as he listened to the sound and heart rhythms of our youngest...this stoic of ours....this one not easily won over...this one with a quiet, strong will....Red was on a methodical hunt for the BIG BROWN GARBAGE TRUCK he had spotted at the end of the street. Perserverance being Red's strong suit, he was not easily deterred from his mission, but just as his hunt was coming to a close the truck pulled off without a second glance or concern for Red. His rhythm was broken; he hung his head in despair as, "I AM SOOO SAD," spilled out in Eor-esque fashion. In elation over this breakthrough moment of maturity for our self-reliant two year old, I turned to him praising his understanding and sharing of his heart. His response, "No! This is NOT good. I feel like crying." I solemnly calmed myself asking him if a kiss and hug would make him feel better, which indeed did; then watched as he ran to the arms of his daddy.

Then, the Lord gave me a moment of Selah...this something "to hang upon"

I felt exuberant elation over my son sharing his heart with me. What must be the Father's measure of elation when we muster up enough courage to humble ourselves confessing and sharing our emotions with Him? The I AM knows every thought in our heads and every emotion in our heart before we even understand them, but His delight, His pleasure all hinges on our turn towards Him. This God who loves us beyond all measure, who never looks at us in indifference, and who allows us to bring our garbage truck of fallen emotions to Him in exchange for His purity, His strength, and His passion......WHAT MUST HIS ELATION BE when we come to Him renouncing our emotional "rights," clothing ourselves with humility to receive His robes of righteousness....this is His pleasure...this is His delight...

We come with, "I am sad." His reply, "I hear you. Let me give you joy."

We come with, "I am tired." His reply, "I hear you. I will give you rest."

We come with, "I doubt." His reply, "I know. I have authored and will perfect your faith."

We come with, "I hurt." His reply, "I understand. I will give you comfort."

We come with, "I hate." His reply, "I know. I will give you my love for others."

We come with, "I am confused." His reply, "Let me give you Truth and vision."

We come with, "I am numb." His reply, "Dear one, let me heal you, let me restore you. Let me give you Life."

This marks the beginning of abiding....answering His call to come as you are without delay....the complete sharing of self with the I AM....this communion that brings the clarity of Truth and Grace redirecting our course from the heavy, unrelenting garbage truck of our fallen emotions to the straight path marked out for us as we thankfully run with joy-filled perseverance to eternity in the arms of our Father....

It is all in the turn, this place where we receive our blessings...Let us simply, miraculously, and thankfully ABIDE in the one who resets the compass of our hearts to the WAY, shining TRUTH into our emotions, and filling us with His LIGHT....

"From the FULLNESS of His grace, we have all received one BLESSING after another." John 1:16

The Tie that Binds

Our little bird sat perched on the dining table discussing party plans with her namesake in a fit of giggles, one turning six, the other ninety. Amongst cake flavors, balloon colors, themes, and talk of tea rested the rich undercurrent of Life, the steady undulating waves of love washing over my soul, the seemingly unspoken in the spoken, the unseen in the seen, the Scarlet Thread, the tie that binds. Almost six years ago, our beautiful bird arrived six weeks early, truly a case of the early bird catching the worm. In so many ways, I was a self-centered worm, and she caught my heart immediately. I had never known such earthly love and pain all comingled in a single moment as my baby girl left my body, then my arms to be whisked to the NICU. In that same moment, He lovingly started His work of loosening jagged knots of my heart I knew not were there. Places I had tied up with my own tape of control, bandages of self, and staples of guilt. Those places I dare not go for the fear of unraveling or worse becoming completely undone, yet for the health of my baby bird, I let the Knitter of souls go about His work. Over the past six years, He has untied alot of knots, and gracefully woven His Scarlet thread in their place. In an act of mercy, my God has cared more about my sanctification than my "emotional comfort" replacing it with abiding joy and passion. Refinement truly is a form of God's love giving us a clearer picture of Jesus, the Scarlet thread running through all of life. To be a christian is to live amongst miracles; joy in sanctification, peace during refinement, it seems unfathomable, but it is Truth. The miracle within the miracle is that we not only receive the only joy that remains, but also little bursts of sheer rapture within that joy...these brief moments where we see some of the whys behind His plans, the intricacy of His providence, the care in His details. Over the years He has lovingly revealed to us several reasons for Mae's arrival, each one ushering in a new praise and thanksgiving as well as a realization that His refinement is a magnifying glass for our small, diminutive dreams making them larger, deeper, richer giving us the true desire of our heart; the dreams and desires from long ago. His work continues in me, but I now long to become undone by Him to feel more of His love and see more of His dream. As my little bird sat perched, my Father sent His dove with yet another gift tied in a red ribbon....Mae was early. Now she and her namesake have birthdays just a month apart. They can plan their parties in a fit of giggles celebrating the Life given to us, another miracle within the miracle and another strand strengthening their soul tie in The Scarlet thread running through their hearts and mine. Early in my limited spectrum of time, and just as planned in the perfect time of the Alpha and Omega, this Father who loves to give gifts tied up with a red ribbon. "For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth. Upon you I have leaned from before my birth; you are he who took me from my mother's womb. My praise is continually to you." Psalm 71:5-6