Postcards from the Edge

I have felt an increased "edginess" this past week. Over the past few years, I have come to realize that when this feeling starts creeping into my soul God is trying to teach me, mold me, and expand my heart. He was using a certain situation in my life recently to spew out the "vinegar" that was sitting in me so that more of the Spirit's annointed "oil"/love could fill me up (ok, I am a visual learner). It was a stronghold I thought I had defeated and was keeping in check. I described my "edginess" as being brought to the brink of former sin by way of temptation and the emotional uneasiness that results from that temptation. I had "labelled" it, I had journaled about it, I had dissected it, I had prayed to see my sin more clearly, I had meditated on scripture, on and on and on.

Then, this morning as I asked Mae and Whitt to come brush their teeth for the fifth time (feeling like I was in the movie Groundhog Day) I was quick to remind them that I should only have to ask once, and as the words slipped out of my mouth, God whispered to my heart I remind you all the time, I never get tired or frustrated and I never stop, come to me.

You see really what I thought was being taken to the "edge" of an old sin pattern was my recurring sin cropping up again (thanks to a friend who lovingly made this apparent to me), and as I was getting caught up in all the "I"s of being self-aware, trying to dig so deep, essentially trying to be my own healer, I was missing the sweet simplicity of God's grace. As my mind spiraled out of control going back to the situation over and over again, Jesus was moving further and further from my focus to my peripheral vision. Simply, I wasn't taking my sin to the cross, laying it down, letting Jesus do his beautiful work of intercession, and this morning when I did the "edginess" very gratefully disappeared.

It amazes me how that crushing weight on your soul and that separation affects you both emotionally and physically. The past few days I have been more tired and weary than I have been in a long time, and to make His victory this morning that much sweeter, I was given the opportunity to take a nice long run in the bright sunshine. I praise Him that I am not the person I was yesterday, and I praise Him that I am not the person today that I will be tomorrow. I praise Him that for the moment this time has passed, and I praise Him that it will most certainly come again as He continues what he started. I praise Him for the people in my life who love me through my "edginess." With hope in my heart, I am very thankful to be His work in progress.

****"If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsence. On the other hand, if we admit our sins-make a clean breast of them-he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself" 1 John 1:8, The Message ****"My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it." 1 John 3:18, 19, The Message Ok, a little sidenote: as I was typing this, I hit something accidently that made the font for "the sweet simplicity of God's grace" different from the rest of the words, and I couldn't figure out how to correct it. You think God's trying to make a point to me, he is even using highlighting!?!