His Nest is Best

"Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise!" Psalm 84

With curiosity I have watched her, this brown-breasted one....her frenzied, sporadic flights back and forth....her anxious toil building her nest....this robin making her home with us; from a distance, I notice him...his steady, patient gaze never moving from her....this strong one claiming his mate...he soaring with grace; she in a frenzy of works...

He comes to her, taking the burden of her nest, urging her out....her wings broaden; emboldened she flies out further into the world....over and over again, he swoops in despite her squawking, urging her forward.....her short, arduous flights transform into the freedom of soaring...

Now she serenely sits upon three blue gems waiting for them to hatch....her eyes fixed on the surety of the horizon, faithfully looking to him for guidance as he guards their nest...

Ten years ago....you were twenty-three, wiser than you knew, true, authentic....I was twenty-two; a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, I had not yet given up my childish ways of loving....my wing span maddeningly short...

You watched the brevity of my love flights....you understood the stifling limitations of my "self" nest....the flimsy straw of control packed with the muddiness of who I thought I was, who I thought I should be...the drudgery of loving with expectation....gracefully you flew to me....

You gave of yourself to marry a child...You came into my noise, the endless flapping of my needs....you shifted my view from my nest to the endless horizon of His mercy and grace....you showed me the love of Christ, re-building our nest on the sure foundation of His sacrificial love....and, now I sit peacefully on this nest of ours, trusting your guidance....

On your thirty-third birthday, you should know that WHEREVER you soar this sparrow will find a nest to lay her young

Walkers of the Way

The smoky moutains......Bird and Blue-eyes giggle along with the stream as rocks dance across the water....a mass of Red-curls bounces upon his father's shoulders......tree roots play hop-scotch with one another along the path as rhodudendrum dip down in homage...thanksgiving pours forth naturally, easily....all parts of my flesh, all directions-north, south, east, west, point to Him....there is ease in this path...ease in the praise...

Further down, the path makes a sharp unexpected turn....a small abandoned schoolhouse and graveyard....the brood bounds ahead; my man-artist snaps photos capturing images of His Father's world...I walk amongst the dead....my heart carries the weight of life cut short....there in a line of four....the Walkers....J.H. and Mary's lost brood...

Infant Walker, August 11, 1912....their firstfruits plucked before even budding...

Roy Thomas, January 19, 1919-July 3, 1919....

Edith, September 10, 1920-July 4, 1925....

Irene, November 19, 1922-June 30, 1925...this one with a dove soaring over her name....this dove...this Spirit...this promise of Counsel and Comfort....

But, where could He be in this?

I have no words....What can you say to a mother who has watched the flesh of her flesh slip from her arms four times....no words...

this woman who has endured the labor pains of birthing life and the labor pains of watching it ebb away....no words....

this mother mourning one life while bravely carrying another in her womb.....no words...

this mother who buries one baby girl while fighting in futility to save another....no words...

this mother who watches soul sisters reunited just a week apart, leaving her behind...no words....

My three dance around the school house in a cacophony of laughter, imagingation, enthusiasm, energy....life...health....I dare not even speak it for in this season my life is the path of ease, but the ugliness of it passes through my heart....I must give it to Him for fear of separation from Him, this cost of leaning on my own understanding...I must give it to the Life who knows my ugliness deep inside yet still loves....I whisper it...How is this fair, Lord?....I have no words....

I enter the dark muskiness of the school house, but it is my heart that feels dark...it is my heart that is wrestling to see the Light....my body slumps into a bench, and my loving Teacher begins His lesson....as He lifts my eyes, I see light pour through a window shining on the edge of a teacher's desk...this light illuminating the Light....the Truth barely visible on the desk, "God loves you." J.H. Walker 10-5-1947.....

"God loves you"....this couple from long ago....this couple who lost much ministering from the grave to a woman who has seemingly lost so little...urging a woman of little faith through their great faith in the Word, stirring her soul....my community in Him from the past pointing me back to my future, my Hope...this is the God I love....the God who turns this world upside down...who turns sackcloth to singing....this is the redeeming power of the cross....

For the Sarahs who watched their Isaacs leave for worship with no other sacrifice, for the Rachels whose Josephs were led away to bloom elsewhere, for the Hannahs who gave their young Samuels to the service of the Lord, for the Elizabeths who watched their Johns prepare the way, for the Mary Walkers.... I will honor you in the moments when there seem to be no words, when the uphill climb of motherhood seems to overtake me, when the weight of "responsibilities" and "decisions" seem to be crushing me, when my chest tightens under the suffocation of circumstances....I will take a breathe allowing my heart to beat the Truth, "God loves you"....

I will honor you by celebrating the Life in life....

By celebrating the life given to me five years ago today....the Walkers bringing me deeper gratitude of my own Walker....my Walker Whittington Stockburger....the vibrant life of my soul-searching Blue-eyes...this boy who lives his life boldly, giving each moment his all...our unexpected good and perfect gift....this boy who daily reminds me that I want none of my decisions, but only His.

Happy 5th Birthday, my beautiful Blue-eyes!! Remember to let all the "I"s and "decisions" fall away, my love, and breathe in deeply "God loves you!"

"For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it,"" Isaiah 30: 19-21